Have you ever met a person who despite how “intelligent” they seem can’t seem to do much beyond studying and getting good grades? They have the best education and the highest grades. They have all the skills a worker of that title would need. By all accounts, they’re pretty smart! Yet, they can’t get along with their coworkers, nobody wants to hang out with them, you have trouble understanding what they mean when they communicate, they may have short-temper and lash out at you at the slightest inconveniences. This person may have a high IQ but a low EQ.
IQ is nothing without EQ. EQ or emotional intelligence is a range of vital skills to develop as early as you can in life. A lack of emotional intelligence can spell a lot of trouble so let’s look at how you can improve your EQ today!
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Table of Contents
What is emotional intelligence (EQ)?
EQ aka emotional intelligence is your ability to understand and interpret emotions, ability to regulate negative emotions, ability to relieve stress on your own effectively, and maybe even the ability to diffuse conflicts.
An example of a person with low EQ is a person who punches his boss for firing him.
An example of a person with high EQ is a person who can understand the emotional need of another person who has just lost his house in a fire and isn’t really mad at him for getting the order wrong.
We all can be emotional sometimes for different reasons and this is why it’s so important to learn how to regulate our emotions better.
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Can you increase emotional intelligence?
Yes, you can! Emotional intelligence can be improved with practice.
Those who grew up without being taught how to regulate emotions may have lower emotional intelligence but it doesn’t mean they have to be stuck with a low EQ their entire lives, improving your EQ is a lot more doable than you may think.
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Which is more important? EQ or IQ?
EQ is far more important than IQ. A person with a high IQ but a low EQ will have trouble when it comes to interacting with anybody.
Doesn’t matter whether you’re pursuing a traditional career path where you’d try and get good grades at school, graduate, apply for a job, get interviewed, get hired, etc, or, you’re pursuing an alternative career path where you start your own business, you’ll need a high EQ to be successful.
Say you’re a programmer, you can produce high-quality work for your boss or freelance client very fast but if you can’t handle the pressure, you may yell at your boss or client causing you to lose your project.
What is being that much faster at your job going to do for you if you can’t retain your job? For this reason, the benefit of having high EQ outweighs the benefit of having a high IQ.
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10 Ways to Improve emotional intelligence fast
So how do you improve your EQ? Let’s look at the following 10 ways you can use to improve your emotional intelligence fast.
1. Learn the art of non-reactivity
The art of non-reactivity is the act of not reacting to everything thrown your way. Someone can brush past you a bit harder than they should. Someone can set down a binder on their desk beside you a bit harder than they should. Someone can whisper something to each other and then laugh as you walk past. Someone can say something mean to you in the comment.
The art of non-reactivity is the act of not letting other people dictate how you react to things. It truly is a skill to master.
You won’t get it right all the time. After a long day, you may feel compelled to react to a bad comment on your Instagram post.
Breathe. Let it be. You don’t have to react to everything. A lot of these people don’t care about how you feel but they do care about getting a rise out of you. You don’t have to declare to the world how upset you are. It’ll fall on deaf ears.
Everyone struggles with their own things and seeing you react to something they did could be a way for them to cope. Pity them and move on. It’s okay to feel a bit upset by the occurrence but understand that reacting won’t do you any good.
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2. Imagine the future consequences
Imagining the future consequences of your actions can deter you from doing things you’ll regret later. Picture the aftermath of your words. Once you said it, you can’t take it back.
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3. Gain the ability to laugh at yourself
A lot of us take ourselves too seriously. We won’t let ourselves be the butt of a joke because we think we must act a certain way and be treated a certain way. I know it may not feel good to be made fun of but taking that as a chance to laugh at yourself can be a high EQ move.
Of course, if you honestly don’t feel good about it, communicating how it makes you feel should it reoccur again and again is something you should do but there are times when letting loose, taking ourselves less seriously, and laughing at ourselves can have a dramatic impact on the way we live life. Now a conflict that could result has been averted because instead of being angry, you laughed and agreed. Maybe you can even make fun of them back.
Nobody is perfect in this world. We all have our embarrassing moments, our insecure moments, our stupid moments. Don’t be so uptight. It’s a recipe for disaster.
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4. Understand that most things people do are out of their own insecurities
You should understand that almost everyone has insecurities and a lot of times, what they did is a reflection of their internal struggles.
A person may make a snide comment about your salary. “You should try to get an increase! $X/hour? I think you should get an increase!”. It may look like they’re trying to insult you for how much you earn (and they could be doing so), but if you could read their minds, it may say something like, “How does she makes so much more than me when she doesn’t have half my experience?”.
If you can recognize their internal insecurity of having a low-paying job, then, their response makes a lot more sense to you. They’re trying to make you feel bad about your salary because they feel bad about theirs.
Instead of being angry at how people treat you, think about a reason behind why they do what they do.
Most people have deep insecurities in the following categories: appearance, income, intelligence, job competence, sexuality, attractiveness, and personality.
If you can recognize people’s insecurities as being a reason for their behavior, you take things less personally and you may even become more compassionate.
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5. Understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you
It’s easy to think that the entire world revolves around you because everything you know is seen from your perspective.
When you realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, you take things less personally.
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6. Let people do what they do without trying to control things
If you go to a zoo and you see a monkey scratches his butt and then smells it, what would you do? Nothing. Maybe you get a few good laughs but then you move on to another animal.
I don’t mean you should look at people like animals but I want you to learn to not be controlling of people. Most of us are a bit controlling of our fellow human beings without us realizing it.
Upon realizing that someone has a different view on the matter, you think it’s your job to correct them instead of letting them do what they do.
When you let people do what they do without controlling their behaviors, you lose a lot of weight you’re carrying without you realizing it. Now, it doesn’t matter if they support a different political candidate, it doesn’t matter if they were unreasonable to you, and it doesn’t matter that they think they are much more superior than you.
Letting people do what they do is like watching traffic as they go by. You’re not trying to stop the traffic and you’re not trying to change its course. You’re simply watching. You may dislike the loudness of a car as it passes by but you know it’s not in your place to try and change them.
Having this observing but not the intervening attitude in life can save you a lot of unnecessary stress and maybe even emotional meltdowns. Everybody is their own individual with their own particular experiences and beliefs. All you can do is to let them be them. Don’t try to control them.
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7. Understand that your actions could mean different things to different people
You may think giving a “heart” on a specific post on Twitter is nothing but to your friend who drops by your Twitter profile, they may get offended. Maybe the post is about trying to lose weight and you’re skinner than your friend. It may seem like an insult to your friend because it tells her that you perceive your weight to be too heavy and since she’s heavier than you, you must think that she is fat.
You may think that saying “I love my country” to someone is harmless but to that particular person, it may seem like an insult them. In their heads, they may be thinking “So you think your country is better than mine? Why do you come to my country and then tell me you love your country? Do you not enjoy your time here?”.
Let’s give another example, you comment a heart under a post about what each class does differently. Something like this:
and you think it doesn’t mean anything beyond you agreeing but to some people, it may seem like you are flexing because you’re following a lot of investment accounts, you’re investing, therefore, you must be “rich”! But really, you’re just commenting on the post because you agree. You’re not calling anybody poor for spending money or calling anybody middle class for saving money (In fact, you may try to save more money yourself. Everybody saves money to some extent). You see how a simple “like” or “comment” can offend a person accidentally?
We can’t control what people think of our actions. Their interpretation of our actions is based on their past experiences and insecurities. However, it is something to keep in mind when we do anything.
Understanding how your actions can be perceived differently by the person you’re interacting with is a high EQ move.
Something to note: We can try our best to predict how our actions may be perceived by the person we’re interacting with to prevent ourselves from doing something that may hurt someone’s feelings but despite our best intentions, it won’t necessarily do any good. They may still take anything you do and twist it in a way that inconveniences themselves. We have to be open to the possibility that someone IS trying to find reasons to dislike you.
Maybe you’re dating a person who sees everything you do to be a direct insult to them. You have to be open to the possibility that they may be trying to find a reason to not be with you. Maybe they have someone else on their minds. Maybe they don’t think you’re the person they truly want. Or, they may be suffering from some deep self-esteem issues. Either way, you have to recognize when to let go. You can’t change a person. They have to recognize the reasons behind their actions and come clean with you about their next move and if they can’t introspect about their behaviors, it’s time to break up.
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8. Let your past stay in the past
Maybe you had low EQs moments in the past and you had trouble dealing with stress when you were younger. I want you to take a deep breath and let it go. Don’t let your old self hold you back from new growth.
You’re a new person now. Give yourself a pat on the back and be kinder to yourself. This is the only way you can move forward.
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9. Be self-aware
I don’t mean to be self-conscious. Being self-aware means knowing how you feel and why you feel the way you do.
Journaling can be very helpful in establishing self-awareness. Whenever you don’t feel well, note down how you feel, try to think of why you feel the way you do, and think of is there anything practical you can do to solve the issues? This can help you identify key moments in your day when your emotion suddenly shifts and pinpoint the reason before it spirals out of control.
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10. Listen more attentively
A lot of times, we just want to be heard. We don’t want our problems solved. When someone talks to you, just listen. Listen more than talk. At times, nod your head to acknowledge that you’re listening (and be truly listening). You’ll realize that when you listen more, you start to understand people better and subsequently understand how to control and manage emotions better.
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Final thought
EQ can be taught and learned. There were times I cried when I was very stressed from exams and now it seemed like such a silly thing.
We’ll learn more things as we go through life. We’ll learn how to deal with the daily stress better and how to manage our emotions more effectively.
However, you must understand that you won’t do things perfectly all the time. Despite what you know, they’ll be times when you say something that shouldn’t have, there’ll be times when you could’ve been calmer when dealing with a difficult person, there’ll be times when you shouldn’t have raised your voice but you did.
The important thing is to recognize your mistakes, apologize when you should, and continue to practice your emotion regulation skills better.
Remember, some things you do can’t be undone so be careful.
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