No doubt you heard of the term, “you’re the average of 5 people you spend the most time with” and that couldn’t be more true. The people you spend the most time with don’t even have to be your friends, they can be your coworker, your family member, your neighbor, etc. The people we come into contact with the most are the people that can influence the way we think and subsequently all other areas of our lives. So you can see how important it is to talk about this matter.
Consider the fact that you were born into a country, to a specific family, at a specific time in history that exposes you to a certain array of characters. It could’ve been anyone else in the history of the world at any place in the globe that you had to cross paths with but fate had you dealing with certain people out of billions of others.
You may not like to think about this but those who you had initial contact with in your early childhood will impact the trajectory of your life.
We kind of draw from a deck of cards when we enter into existence (it’s a metaphor). Those cards are the people who we would come across.
Surprisingly, sometimes those who would influence us the most aren’t necessarily the same ones that we spend the most time with.
Let’s illustrate with an example:
Amy was born into a busy city with millions of other kids. She went to a primary school that was the closest to where she lived growing up. It just so happened that this choice to attend the specific school got her on the track to meet a bunch of people who she otherwise wouldn’t have met.
One person she met was a girl called Alice. Alice has a sister at home to whom she felt inferior to because her sister has won countless gymnastic rewards and all her parents’ time was spent taking her sister to gymnastic practice. Because of this, upon meeting Amy and knowing that her name is Amy, Alice harbored a bias against Amy. It was clear from the start that Alice didn’t like Amy and she let Amy know about it through the relentless taunting. Another girl who went to the same school called Janice also doesn’t like Amy because Amy is Jewish and Janice’s family was anti-Jewish.
You see, two different girls had completely different reasons for disliking Amy. Their bias against Amy was unprovoked and their hatred toward the same person was merely coincidental yet it’ll go on to shape Amy’s life.
Because of the experience, Amy felt like people don’t like her so she didn’t exhibit much confidence. That lack of confidence will translate to Amy not seeking help with an assignment she was confused about. She didn’t want to ask anyone for help thinking no one liked her. Not surprisingly, she didn’t do well in that subject. Her teacher placed her among a group of kids who needed special help with assignments. That cemented the idea in her that she wasn’t very bright despite the fact that she was significantly smarter than most kids in class.
The looking glass self-theory stated that our self-worth is based on how we think others view us.
The way we think the world views us and the way we think of ourselves can have a profound impact on how we interact with the world.
If we hold the belief that we aren’t well-liked, it can cause us to shut-in, be less likely to participate in group activities such as clubs at school, be less likely to look at people in the eyes when talking, be less confident, and of course, that’ll also impact so much more areas of our lives including school performance, social circle, social hierarchy, career choice, attractiveness, romantic partner choice, etc.
This negative cycle continued for Amy. She didn’t have much confidence growing up because the first two people she ran into at school didn’t like her, she wasn’t well-liked because she tend to avoid people, she didn’t do well in school and because she thought she wasn’t capable, she chose to become a fast-food chain worker thinking that’s all she could do. The low pay and low self-esteem made her depressed. She died alone in her house on a cold quiet night after a whole life of feeling stupid and worthless. It took three weeks for the neighbors to alert the police because the rotting corpse smell got to them.
What if, instead of such a tragic life story, something else happened? Amy went to another school because her parents decided another school was more suitable for Amy, it had a nice music program, and Amy loved to play the violin. Amy went to another school, met a lot of good friends, felt well-loved, she was confident, and did well in school. She ended up deciding to become an engineer and because of her good grades, she was able to get into a great college for a dual music/engineering program. She went on to become an amazing engineer in the instrument industry. She patented a lot of engineering wonders in the music field and won the respect of millions of people across the globe. She died a very rich woman surrounded by her loving family and adoring fans.
(Now, I’m not saying that you must have good grades to be successful in life or that you must be smart to have good grades. It’s just an example)
Two drastically different lives shaped by the people Amy just so happened to encounter. Alice and Janice were random choices in a deck of cards that Amy drew in life. It could’ve been anyone else.
Similarly, in your own life, you have met countless people who had influences on you deeper than you may realize. They shape your self-perception, perception of others, your outlook in life, your insecurities, your self-esteem, what you value, what you don’t value, etc.
I don’t know about you but I hate to think that anybody gets to influence so much of my life internal or external. But does it always have to be like this? No. And it all comes down to introspecting.
You see, everybody has got some insecurities. It could be due to something that happened to us in our early childhood with certain people. Maybe you don’t even remember it but certain events can cause us to have a biased view of things. A biased view towards ourselves and others.
Every insecurity has a root and I think it’d be a waste of potential to let it hold you back from achieving what you’re capable of.
We can’t always choose who gets to influence us in our early lives (or even in our adult lives if you work a day job and you can’t choose your boss or coworkers) and if it just so happens that we drew bad cards and met bad people, we shouldn’t let them dictate how the rest of our lives should go and our self-perception for the rest of our lives.
The people in our lives do matter so much. Doesn’t matter whether they are the people closest to us that we spend the most time with or a temporary person we came across. They impact us in ways we don’t fully comprehend until years later. You could be one choice away from a completely different life. Every choice you make may put you on the same path as someone else for a moment in history. Those moments may not be significant in the history of the world but can be significant in shaping your life.
This is why I think it’s so essential that we regularly introspect on how any person makes you feel and should it come time to end ties with someone, don’t be afraid to do so.
Everbody should choose their friends wisely and not just their friends, choose everybody in their lives wisely. I think it’s a form of torture to have to spend time around people who bring you bad influence.
Not everybody have choices because they may have to work with people in school that they rather not talk to, they may have to work with coworkers in a work setting to pay for their livelihood, there may be family members that they can’t cut ties with but is toxic, etc. If you do have a choice, make sure you choose wisely.
Lastly, the best and worst moments of your life tend to involve some person so doesn’t it makes sense to choose who you let in your life wisely?
What do you think?
